G’day folks, Stan the Fan here. I’ve just returned from China after the historic first Asian V8 round. Boy, it took a bloody big effort to get my caravan there and back, but I didn’t want to miss it for all the tea in... you get the idea.

I had asked AVESCO to reserve a possie for it on their Jumbos, but they told me there was no room on either 747. As I couldn’t afford the alternative – airlift by a single-engine Cessna – I had to put the van on the slow boat to China, literally.

Meanwhile, I booked a cheap flight on budget carrier Plummet Airlines, and flew over. The in-flight entertainment was very budget, consisting of playing Chinese Checkers and singing David Bowie’s Little China Girl!

Upon arrival in Shanghai, I headed to the docks to pick up my Valiant and beloved Viscount Ambassador van. It was at this time that customs officials told me it was illegal for foreigners to drive in China, and wouldn’t release the Valiant. They also put up obstacles for releasing the caravan that were bigger than the Great Wall of China!

They probably hadn’t seen such a fine caravan before. Thankfully, I packed the van’s cupboards with some good wholesome food – Four ’n’ Twenty pies, Iced Vovos and cartons of VB – and after I threw a party for customs officials they towed the caravan to the Shanghai International Circuit for me. They used their work car, a model called the Buick Donger.

Good folk those Chinese. Indeed, lots of people thought I’d have trouble communicating. After all, I don’t speak Mandarin. In fact, citrus fruits are rarely a topic of conversation for me.

I didn’t worry about taking a phrase book. I just relied on a few lines I knew. For example, when I wanted to eat I trotted out a line from an old TV advertisement. At food outlets I’d say, "Mama’s making Kantong, doesn’t take long for the word to get around".

After repeating this 10 times, the waiters in restaurants would throw their arms up in frustration and bring me a plate of food to get rid of me. I wasn’t sure what I was eating, but I just followed Big Hair Nev’s advice and avoided eateries located next to a pound.

Speaking of my old China plate, Nev. The last I saw of him he was being led away by Chinese police, clutching his English-Cantonese dictionary. Apparently, he went up to a policeman to say: "Hi, I’m Big Hair Nev, can you please direct me to Shanghai airport?"

But it came out wrong and what the police officer heard was: "Your sister has a hairy back and I want to give you a Chinese burn."

Looks like I’ll be putting together the next few V8Xs...

As for the circuit itself, it was very impressive. But then it was enhanced by having my caravan parked in it.

The circuit officials gave me some prized real estate after I promised to get them Tony Cochrane’s autograph. For some reason, they thought TC was not just V8’s Big Kahuna, but Australia’s head honcho. They would say to me, "Ah, very good, Prime Minister Cochrane’s autograph very valuable".

The Chinese were also a bit confused about Russell Ingall. ‘The Enforcer’ was one of the biggest movies to screen in China, so they thought Rusty was a film star.

The only downer for me was that I lost a heavy-duty drainage grate that I use as a barbeque hotplate.

I cooked some beef in black-bean sauce on Friday night on the grate, washed it, then left it by the track to dry overnight. But when I went to find it on Saturday evening it was gone!

Someone said Mark Winterbottom might know where it is. So I better go now and ring up the young whipper-snapper to get it back. He better still have it... – Stan

The only downer for me was that I lost a heavy-duty drainage grate that I use as a barbeque hotplate... Someone said Mark Winterbottom might know where